Snowy Days and Winter Colds

Snowy Days and Winter Colds
Dorcas Annette Walker

Another winter has arrived up here in the mountains of Tennessee. This year I am really getting to enjoy winter time more. I’ve been able to go and walk in the woods kicking up snow with my boots savoring the whitened landscape and running stream as my dogs race around playing in the snow sending drifts of white flying everywhere. What joy it is to enjoy this winter firsthand, feel the biting cold wind on my face, the wonder of picking up a newly lain egg out of its bed of straw, and help take care of all the furry critters instead of being cooped up inside.

The only problem with getting out more is that you invariable catch some germs despite being careful and staying bundled up. I ended up coming down with a nasty cold for a couple of weeks confining me indoors once again as I doctored myself. Running a temperature, feeling weak, and miserable it seemed like the cold/flu symptoms would never end as I hovered close by the warm wood-stove. But to my relief one day I woke up feeling like myself again and ready to venture outdoors just as another snowfall came turning the world once again into a winter wonderland. This time I made some snow cream. I also love cooking a big pot of soup on my stove or baking something in the oven as winter gales blow outside my kitchen window. That's what I call living instead of existing!

Exercise, Green Tea, and Vinegar

Once again I am back up on my feet. Yay! I still have to be careful with my foot as it tends to swell up if I am up on it too long, so I prop my foot up whenever I sit down in my recliner. I’ve heard that sprains take forever to heal and that once a person has sprained a foot that foot is weaker and easier to sprain again. So whenever I go outside I make sure to wear my sturdy sneakers for support.

Unless one has dealt with a chronic illness it is hard to explain the joys of waking up, feeling like oneself, and not having to worry about your body suddenly giving out accompanied by the sensation like you are going to collapse at any minute. When you feel stronger you try and capture each moment knowing that these memories will help sustain you on the days when your body betrays you again.

One thing that has helped me bounce back the most and be able to get around on good days is the fact that I have persistently exercised on a daily routine. Exercised when I’d wake up to find myself on the floor not remembering where I was, exercised when it took every bit of my precious strength that I had having to spend the rest of the day in bed or the recliner, exercised to strengthen my bones and help keep my joints mobile even when it hurt and seemed like I was wasting my time. The only days I don’t exercise is when my pain level is so high that I can’t do anything but exist, but the next day I hit the floor again even if I can’t do all the exercises in my regiment that I have worked out to help me the most.

Then the second thing I feel that has helped strengthen me is drinking a couple cups of green tea a day that I started when I was on antibiotics to help build back up my immune system. Sometimes for variety I’ve added peach or raspberry tea and even fresh mint from my herb garden for added flavor to my green tea. Drinking green tea has become a daily habit for me. When I am able to be up and around it gives me an excuse to take a break and relax for a bit; to calm my spirit and help me focus on what I want or need to get done for the day. Or soak up nature’s display while watching the birds rocking in my rocking chair on the front porch with my dogs sprawled around me in companionship.

The third thing that I started several months ago it putting a couple tablespoons of vinegar in my glass of orange juice that I drink each morning. Older mountain folk have told me about the benefits of vinegar. So I decided to try it myself. Then I read how it helps the body in several ways and how healthful it is. By mixing the vinegar with orange juice it camouflages the vinegar and makes the orange juice just a bit more tangy, which I find the best way for me to take. Sometimes the old remedies are the best.

Limping Around Like An Old Granny

I have enjoyed getting out and about more this summer. I love walking down in the woods with my dogs, checking out the garden, rocking in the rocking chair on the front porch surrounded by all my furry pets, or going and sitting in the swing in our back yard and watching the chickens strut around in their pen. Even in the hottest part of summer I tried to stay active to help keep my strength built up.

One day while walking in the woods with my dogs on one of the paths that we’ve made, I turned my foot. I didn’t pay it much mind as without warning I will sometimes stumble or nearly trip. I haven’t figured out yet if my ankles are getting weaker or if it is just a side effect from the last bout when my Lyme came out of remission and I’ve had trouble with my balance since. The next day the weather turned quite cold and when my foot bothered me walking I figured that I probably was getting arthritis in my ankle. Since I have arthritis several other places throughout my body and I’m hurting all the time somewhere I just ignored the pain and kept walking on my foot. After a couple of days limping around I decided to check my foot and to my shock discovered that it was swelled up.

Dana was ready to hustle me off to the doctor to get it x-rayed, but since nothing was broken I figured why go to all that trouble only to be told that I have a bad sprain and to keep my foot elevated. So I have wrapped up my foot with ace bandages to support it and am trying to be patient and keep my foot up. Whenever I don’t my leg swells up too. Talk about being totally ratty! I am quite frustrated that I can’t go like I was and have been slowed back down again. How dare my foot do this to me! Now when I go to get up and walk I have to think first where I’m going and what I need to take with me and what I need to get. If nothing else my dear brain cells are getting a work out trying to remember everything so that I can save steps. Meanwhile I shuffle and limp around sometimes using a cane to help support my weight like an old granny. I can’t wait until my foot gets back to normal again. If only I had four feet like my dogs I wouldn’t be so helpless.

Summer Flu Misery

Summer Flu Misery
Dorcas Annette Walker

I was doing better. In fact I almost convinced myself that I was normal once more. Sure it still didn’t take much to wear me down, but at least I was able to be up and around each day and feel more like myself. I did some canning, sewed my granddaughter some slips, and painted a gourd birdhouse. Doing things that I enjoyed puttering around with to help build back up my self esteem that living with a chronic disease destroys. I felt like I was controlling my life instead of my body controlling me. I was able to attend church nearly every Sunday morning and be with my church family and friends.

Then it happened. Somehow I got the flu bug. Overnight I became sick, started throwing up, and running to the bathroom. I hoped that it would be a twenty-four hour kind of flu. No such luck. Instead due to the fact that I couldn’t keep anything down- pain meds included- my pain level shot way up. I drank Sprite to try and get my stomach settled enough so I could take my pain meds. I wasn’t able to sleep day or night due to the nagging pain. Instead I survived in my recliner dosing off now and then totally exhausted only for the pain to jerk me awake into more misery. After two nightmare days of wishing I could die- anything to get away from the pain- I was able to take my pain meds and got my pain back under control where I could halfway function.

I thought the worse was over, but my intestines had another idea. They were in an uproar. The flu had triggered off my IBS. Eating anything solid would send me racing to the bathroom not one time but every couple of hours. I switched to drinking Coke (the ony thing that works when my bowels go crazy) praying that my stomach would handle the change as I tried to baby my insides along. I existed through each day praying that the next one would be better sleeping the day away in my recliner. By the time a week had gone by, when I finally got my intestinal system under control, I was very weak physically. Once again I had to inch my way- a slow and drawn out process- to gain back my strength.

I can understand why some, who struggle with Lyme disease don’t go out anywhere, but instead isolate themselves living totally inside their homes. It is a scary thought that every time you step outside your door you are at risk to catch something that can put you flat on your back after struggling so long to be able to function. If you aren’t careful your mind will play all kinds of games with you tying you up in knots mentally. But I refuse to let fear control my life. It is bad enough that my body takes over and controls me at times. So I am working on building myself back up to venture forth and not cut myself off from being with my friends. It’s a fine line of guarding oneself, using wisdom, and living life as normal as possible with Lyme’s disease.

Caught Between Rock and a Hard Place

Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dorcas Annette Walker

It is positively ratty to be in the position of having to depend on drugs to survive- not that I’m not grateful for all the advancements in the medical field. Believe me I am very thankful for the pharmaceutical companies that have programs for disbursing drugs to low income folk or those with no medical insurance. As one of those dependent on the pharmaceutical companies for my medications, I find myself unfortunately all too often caught between a rock and a hard place not of my choosing.

The first negative aspect is the reams of paperwork one must fill out. I understand the concern of the pharmaceutical companies needing to make sure that a person is qualified. But entire forests could be saved of once you were approved and in their computer system to only be questioned and upgraded over the phone instead of having to continuously fill out entire applications over and over with the same information- not to mention all the postage involved. What really gets interesting is when you have more than one pharmaceutical company to deal with. Then second part is the continual monitoring of your meds to make sure that you keep enough of your medication on hand so you do not run out. I’ve learned to keep an eagle eye on my prescription bottles and as soon as they are half empty to start the process of resubmitting a form for a refill. Even so that still doesn’t guarantee the desired results.

Recently after waiting three weeks and still not receiving my medicine in the mail after sending in the refill forms, I called the pharmaceutical company only to be informed that they no longer carried my regular drug- now they carried the same drug with an XR attached. I immediately called my doctor’s office to obtain a new prescription with the XR added to my original prescription and sent it back out in the mail. It was another couple weeks until I got my medicine. Unfortunately, I realized that my prescription was for only once a day instead of twice like the doctor ordered. After calling the pharmaceutical company again to verify the prescription, I recalled my doctor’s office and they gave me another prescription to mail in with the correct dosage. After waiting three more weeks I called the pharmaceutical company only to be told that my second prescription had been cancelled! The reason- the pharmacy personnel failed to see that this prescription amount had been increased so they thought it was a double prescription. In defense they said that they called my doctor’s office, but like usual it was busy so they cancelled the prescription. Now I had only a week of medicine left in half of the amount of what I needed. So once again I called my doctor’s office for another written prescription. to mail in for the third time hopefully to reach me before I ran completely out. Not only have I had to suffer since I’ve been living on half the medication of what I needed, but I will now have to fill out another application, and make another visit to my doctor’s office to get another prescription to mail in. Evidently the head folk figure that I have more than enough time on my hands for making numerous phone calls, doctor visits, and filling out repetitive forms for just one medication.

Then when I didn’t get refills on my two other prescriptions after mailing in for refills and waiting a couple of weeks, I called the second pharmaceutical company and was informed that my yearly membership was up without any notification. So I quickly fill out another complete application for their company, but by the time I was able to get back in to see my long-suffering doctor for a visit, get another written renewed prescription, and send them in the mail one of my medicines had run completely out. I spent a couple of weeks in increased pain while I tried different combinations of pain pills that I had on hand to try and get my pain under control where I could function. As long as I have my meds I always take the prescribed amount of my medicine each day.

Meanwhile I juggle managing a month’s supply or three months supply depending on how much the pharmaceutical company send along with keeping all the paperwork straight. Even if I was able to work I don’t know when I’d get the time between all the phone calls, doctor visits, and filling out paperwork. Just when I think that I have everything under control, I invariably end up between a rock and a hard place in keeping enough medication on hand.

The Blank Computer Screen of Life

The Blank Computer Screen of Life
Dorcas Annette Walker

I don't know if I can make sense or articulate the frustration of the struggle involved living with short term memory loss. I now have to concentrate and work harder on things that I used to do subconsciously. It’s like having to relearn stuff that you learned and accomplished during the first years of your life. You suddenly feel as though you are back in your toddler years without any warning. I mean who goes around thinking about their balance as they stand or walk during the day? Now I find myself without warning, out of the blue, getting dizzy as I walk across a room or I have to concentrate so I don’t stagger as I walk. When I stand still I had to relearn keeping my balance while talking at the same time or gesturing with my hands- something that I always do when I talk- to keep from falling over. I admit it is rather a weird sensation and it makes a person’s mind quickly become fatigued with all the extra work that my brain cells now have to perform. Walking up or down steps is definitely more of a challenge. I think wistfully back to when I used to run up and down steps without a second thought.

One of my biggest losses is not being able to sit down and play the piano like I once did. Before I played mostly subconsciously by memory “or ear” running all over the keyboard. Now I have to relearn it all over again. I sit down to play a song, but forget what my hands are supposed to do next. The harder I try to think the more frustrated I get so I will stop and leave the piano hoping for another day of clarity when my fingers will once again more effortlessly over the keys. The more I keep going back and trying the more I slowly am gaining ground.

My mind often feels like a computer screen that suddenly goes blank as I talk; lose my train of thought right in the middle of a sentence, or find myself digressing to another area without warning. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until my husband kept stopping me telling me he was all confused trying to keep up with me as I kept jumping from subject to subject without finishing one thought. At other times my mind gets so foggy that I just can’t think straight, which is really depressing. Especially for someone who used to talk all the time nonstop now having to grope for words that you know are there, but you just can’t find them.

Some days if I don’t concentrate on just one thing to do I get overwhelmed. Instead of living by lists of items to do that always kept my life organized now I will feel all the things needing to do press in on me until I feel so fatigued mentally that my brain shuts down and I can’t think straight. Or sometimes right in the middle of doing a task, I get overwhelmed and can’t continue. I’ve learned to get a book, sit down in my recliner and read to help me relax. It is during these times that I feel detached from any emotion like I’m living in a limbo somewhere losing the identity of who I am. It is as if I don’t care whether I live or die. I have to fight not to give up and give in to living like a zombie even when days pass by where I lose touch with time until I have the strength to fight and bring myself back to life and reality again.

I deal with forgetfulness daily like trying to remember if I have brushed my teeth that morning etc. Sometimes I have to concentrate on how to do my exercises that I have done for years as I will forget right in the middle of doing them. It is more the here and now versus remembering past incidents or episodes of my life. I can remember that my sister called me on the weekend and what we talked about, but will suddenly forget the next step in doing something that I have done all my life.

Also a big frustration is the fact that I don't know from day to day how my system is going to react- if I'll have enough energy to get dressed or not. I can't take it easy one day to store up energy for the next. I've tried not doing anything Fri or Sat so I could make it to church Sunday only not to be able to get out of bed Sunday morning. There is no pattern to follow. So now whenever I have any energy at all I cram everything I can do into that day wishing that the day would never end.

Well enough about me- there is nothing like chronic illness to make one become self centered, huh? And here I am just rattling on and on. I have found out that working and concentrating on a computer helps the brain cells relearn patterns. It has been a big help to me. Even though it mentally exhausts me the more I do it the easier it becomes. So every inch I gain on my road back to normalcy is worth the effort. Like they say, “no gain without pain”.

Winter Blues Turn to Spring Hope

Winter Blues Turn to Spring Hope
Dorcas Annette Walker

Without hope I would not want to live. I would only exist. Hope makes life living in the shadows bearable when I want to give in to despair. And so I savor the small things that I took for granted before. I have learned to live in the moment on good days to tide me over the bad days when I am down. As the world around me bursts into a rainbow of spring colors up here in the mountains of Tennessee and the birds fill the woods around my house with songs and activity, I feel a stirring of hope deep inside once again.

Hope is:

- the belief that someday I will be normal again
- feeling the warmth of sunshine on my face warming my bones
- getting to hang wash outside once again
- experiencing new strength flowing through my body
- taking a walk in my woods with my dogs
- savoring the smiles and chatter of my toddler grandson each week
- hugs from my Nashville grandchildren on quick visits
- seeing bright red cardinals and their mates up close
- hearing birds chirping
- hanging up my hummingbird feeders
- watching the migrating birds arrive and begin building nests in my birdhouses
- feeling the warm body of my dog, Lucy Lou, curled up in my lap
- the touch of silky soft fur of my cat, Sarah Annabelle, and hearing her purr
- believing that I am gaining ground even if it is just one inch at a time
- planting a garden this year with my husband’s help
- walking through my flowerbeds to see what is growing and blooming
- planning and dreaming of things to accomplish for the future

The Sharp Edge of the Sword

The Sharp Edge of the Sword
Dorcas Annette Walker

I live by the sharp edge of the sword physically, mentally and emotionally. Cold winter days of freezing temperatures or any change in the weather sets off arthritis that has taken over my body and my skeletal frame. I know that it is going to be a very rough day when I wake up crying from pain that radiates throughout my body like a fire out of control along with a sharp headache that makes me sick to my stomach. I pop extra pain pills to try and get my pain under control, but the pain draws me inward shutting out the world around me until all I can focus on is the pain consuming me while concentrating on trying to survive until the pain lets up enough for fatigue to overtake me and I can disappear into a fog of restless sleep. Once again my world has narrowed down to just me sucking out any enjoyment in life. When I visit my doctor he shakes his head over all my multiple symptoms after asking what joint hurts and I tell him it is my entire body.

I push myself to go to church Sunday as once again I have missed several Sundays leaving me feeling like a heathen. It’s so nice being back with my church family, catching up on news firsthand, and seeing all my friends again. I actually feel human once more. My pastor announces my presence and the entire congregation gives me a round of applause. Even though I appreciate the encouragement of my church family and the joy I see on their faces when they see me it will be so nice when I can once again fade into the background as a regular church attendee, but then I am always greedy wanting more. Instead I have to realize that attending worship service Sunday morning is all that I can do if I want to stay on my feet the rest of the week. Instead Monday morning I land back in my recliner feeling like I’ve been run over and left for road kill.

One big frustration is well meaning people telling me “to keep trusting God for complete healing” or “they are so thankful that now I am finally well”. I know that they mean to be encouraging, but instead I am left feeling depressed. I’m thrilled to death when I am back on my feet and “look normal” although it seems hard for folk to understand or comprehend just how much energy it takes and how exhausting it is for me to “look normal” compared to what it used to be, and that attending church and sitting upright on a padded pew invariably flares up pain in my spine that exhausts and depletes my precious store of energy. And that even though today I act like myself I will invariably pay for it tomorrow. Chronic illness unfortunately doesn’t disappear like the cold or a bout of flu. Instead one has to deal with it on a daily basis that often leaves a person feeling like a basket case of swinging emotions not knowing from one day to the next how your body will react. In fact I get mighty tired myself of always having to cope with a body that limits me, but for me I have no choice.

Reflections of the Past Year

Reflections of the Past Year
Dorcas Annette Walker

I’m starting the New Year out totaling up my gains and losses to use as a gauge to see just where I am on this road of life as I live with the fallout of Lyme disease throughout my system. I shall first whine about what I still haven’t obtained- so feel free to skip the next paragraph as I wouldn’t want to cause anyone else to go into a depressive mode- and then count my achieved goals to leave you with a positive note.

Losses: I still have to spend some days in the recliner due to lack of basic energy, the loss of freedom to jump in my car and run to town on a whim, the ability to keep up with my housework on a regular schedule instead of always falling behind- right now I’m trying to ignore the sink that is overflowing with dirty dishes gnawing at my conscience like a sore tooth, not able to spend the day baking and cooking to my heart’s delight during holidays, my pitiful few goals that I still have to keep reducing in order to try and reach one single objective, not being able to get dressed and combed everyday- I continue to shuffle around in my PJ’s on a regular basis.

Gains: I am feeling stronger than last year and feel like myself most of the time- watch out world here I come!-, I appreciate the basic simple things in life that I once took for granted and try to count at least one blessing each day, I am doing a tiny itsy bit more writing and can work at my computer most days for a short span, the pride and joy of crossing off a task completed no matter how small, I’ve been able to attend church more regularly- what bliss, and have started doing some shopping on my own, I can do housecleaning nearly every week, and I have started taking walks in the woods with my dogs to help gain strength.

Overall I have gained one inch instead of the two and three that I had hoped for, but I am so very thankful for each centimeter of improvement rewarding myself like I have won the Olympics or World Series to keep my spirit and mind ever reaching forward.