Body Betrayal

Body Betrayal
Dorcas Annette Walker

Once more I hit the high peak of starting to have more good days in a week than bad. Talk about ecstasy. The only problem is that on good days there isn’t enough hours in the day for what all I really desperately need to do much less desire to get done. I have become a very greedy person. How can I make a normal person understand what sheer bliss it is to feel like myself and be able to do simple tasks like take a shower, get dressed, or comb my hair without totally depleting all my energy? All the stuff one does to start the day without ever thinking about it. On a good day the past seems like a bad dream or nightmare and I think surely it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I was just being lazy or had gotten into a rut without realizing it. I hit reality though real fast the next morning when I wake up feeling like I’ve been run over by a semi or am up in the wee hours of the morning struggling to get my pain level down enough to be able to doze off. And so the roller coaster of life goes on for me. I know I should be used to it by now. I certainly have complained plenty and yet it still takes me by surprise every time my body betrays me and I crash and land back in bed. Deep inside hope refuses to die and the belief that I someday I will beat this crazy disease that controls my system.

This summer I really needed some good days as my son was getting married. I wanted to get my house back in shape before out-of-state relatives came to stay with us over the weekend. They know that I am not well, but still it hurts my sense of pride to have anyone see what level my housekeeping skills have dropped to. I know that I will probably never again achieve the status of being considered a perfect housekeeper with everything in tiptop shape like before, but I shudder at what my poor house has been reduced to. It reminds me too much of my own body with dust laying thick over every surface, cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, dirty bathrooms, and floors that I am unable to keep up with. Maybe we should start charging admission over the Halloween season as the local haunted house. I can almost see my house deteriorate before my eyes. Now I’m fully aware of all the energy spent that I automatically did on a daily basis without thinking. So realistically I knew that it would take me a good month or more not to mention my wanting to get my flower gardens in order once more.

I made several lists to break down the chores I wanted done and each week I’d choose one major chore. The only problem is that by the end of the week I’d realize that I hadn’t gotten started on what I planned to do as I would have enough bad days that my good days would be spent trying to catch up on overdue necessary tasks. Each week I’d revise my lists and cross another chore until it was the last week and realized that I would have to focus on simply getting my house civilized and forget a thorough cleaning.

My husband took me shopping the weekend before the wedding to buy a dress. We also made a couple stops to get some things to prepare for the company. I noticed my right foot bothering me, but I didn’t pay it any attention as I’m so used to ignoring low levels of pain. That night my toe still hurt so I decided to check it out thinking that it probably was my big toe, which swells up whenever I am up on my feet very long. One day I will need surgery done on it. Both of my big toes turn inward and rub blisters on the second toe so I wrap them up in gauze and tape to give relief and put off the evil day of surgery. To my shock my second toe had swelled up twice its size, was dark reddish purple, and I had a red streak running down my foot. I soaked my foot in Epsom salt water and realized that I needed to keep my foot elevated. The next evening it still looked bad. As soon as Dana saw my toe, he declared I needed to go see the doctor or next I’d lose my toe. Since it was Saturday I decided to wait and see if it wouldn’t get better by soaking and elevating it a couple of days. When my son saw my toe he told me not to worry that he would get a wheelchair and wheel me down the aisle at his wedding the next Saturday, immediately rousing my fighting spirit making me determine that I would walk down the aisle on my own power. I now had no choice, but to keep my foot up in the air.

Sun morning I woke up to discover a red rash all over my body like some kind of a reaction. I tried to think what on earth could have caused a reaction to flare up. Then I remembered the last time Dana had gone shopping he accidently picked up another brand of the regular Irish Springs soap that we use. I didn’t think a thing of it at the time as I have never been allergic to soap before. Guess what? Something in my system decided to act up so I started popping Benadryl to get the reaction under control. Now not only did I have to keep my foot up, but I was feeling itchy and miserable the very week I was supposed to be focusing on cleaning my house! By Tuesday my foot was looking better and the red streak down my foot was gone, but as soon as I stood much on my feet my toe would swell back up. The worse nightmare of my life was coming to pass. My company would find a filthy house. I was angry and frustrated at my body’s betrayal.

My daughter came Thursday morning- the day everyone was arriving- and worked circles around me getting my house civilized. We barely got the house cleaned and beds made before my sister and her kids arrived. Over the weekend everyone buzzed around me telling me every time I turned around to sit down and rest as they had everything in control so I behaved myself trying to save energy for the wedding. I was thrilled to wake up on my son’s wedding day feeling like myself. I sailed through the wedding in fine shape and made it back to the house that evening before I crashed into bed. My sister and niece washed up all my towels and cleaned the bathroom before they left. Then my husband’s Aunt stripped all the sheets off the beds and washed them, swept all my floors, and cleaned the kitchen before her and her husband left. Talk about feeling spoiled. I was left with a clean house. I should have had plenty of energy, but instead I staggered back in bed. I keep working trying to jump start my body to get it moving again, but it is very slow going. Such is life with a body that without warning betrays you.