Welcome

Welcome to my Lyme blog where you enter the world of Lyme Disease and get a firsthand glimpse of what Lyme can do to a person!

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Sharp Edge of the Sword

The Sharp Edge of the Sword
Dorcas Annette Walker

I live by the sharp edge of the sword physically, mentally and emotionally. Cold winter days of freezing temperatures or any change in the weather sets off arthritis that has taken over my body and my skeletal frame. I know that it is going to be a very rough day when I wake up crying from pain that radiates throughout my body like a fire out of control along with a sharp headache that makes me sick to my stomach. I pop extra pain pills to try and get my pain under control, but the pain draws me inward shutting out the world around me until all I can focus on is the pain consuming me while concentrating on trying to survive until the pain lets up enough for fatigue to overtake me and I can disappear into a fog of restless sleep. Once again my world has narrowed down to just me sucking out any enjoyment in life. When I visit my doctor he shakes his head over all my multiple symptoms after asking what joint hurts and I tell him it is my entire body.

I push myself to go to church Sunday as once again I have missed several Sundays leaving me feeling like a heathen. It’s so nice being back with my church family, catching up on news firsthand, and seeing all my friends again. I actually feel human once more. My pastor announces my presence and the entire congregation gives me a round of applause. Even though I appreciate the encouragement of my church family and the joy I see on their faces when they see me it will be so nice when I can once again fade into the background as a regular church attendee, but then I am always greedy wanting more. Instead I have to realize that attending worship service Sunday morning is all that I can do if I want to stay on my feet the rest of the week. Instead Monday morning I land back in my recliner feeling like I’ve been run over and left for road kill.

One big frustration is well meaning people telling me “to keep trusting God for complete healing” or “they are so thankful that now I am finally well”. I know that they mean to be encouraging, but instead I am left feeling depressed. I’m thrilled to death when I am back on my feet and “look normal” although it seems hard for folk to understand or comprehend just how much energy it takes and how exhausting it is for me to “look normal” compared to what it used to be, and that attending church and sitting upright on a padded pew invariably flares up pain in my spine that exhausts and depletes my precious store of energy. And that even though today I act like myself I will invariably pay for it tomorrow. Chronic illness unfortunately doesn’t disappear like the cold or a bout of flu. Instead one has to deal with it on a daily basis that often leaves a person feeling like a basket case of swinging emotions not knowing from one day to the next how your body will react. In fact I get mighty tired myself of always having to cope with a body that limits me, but for me I have no choice.