A Tank Half Full of Gas

A Tank Half Full of Gas
Dorcas Annette Walker

Little did I realize that one day my life would end up resembling my neglected car sitting in the driveway. In the past when I drove my car I was always made sure that I had a full tank of gas. As soon as the gas gauge would show half empty I’d stop and fill it back up. I’ve always had a secret fear of being stranded alongside the road with an empty gas tank. Now each day when I wake up I wonder just how far I will make it through the day. Some days after my pain pills kick in I manage to get dressed by dinnertime, only to discover that my energy has run out. The rest of the day has to be spent in my recliner or back in bed. More times than I care to remember, by the time I get up, pop my pills, and eat breakfast I am physically drained as though finishing a day of hard work that leaves me no option but to stagger back to bed totally exhausted like a car with an empty gas tank.

A good day consists of being able to keep going (between numerous breaks) all through the day and cook a simple supper instead of lying around. If I’m lucky to still be up on my feet by supper time, my energy level starts dropping very fast. Sometimes after cooking supper I’ll be so exhausted I have to rest in the recliner before I can eat. Despite my fluctuating energy levels, I refuse to give up and stay in bed as long as I can make my body move. I keep making lists (that keep growing) of things that need to be done. Each day I have to guess how much energy I will have without any gauge to register my energy level. It’s kinda like driving a car with no gas gauge. I start a task hoping that my energy will not suddenly drop without warning. When that happens I barely am able to make it back to bed before collapsing.

There is nothing like living with the uncertainty of one’s strength to undermine your self confidence, especially when day after day you are not able to do simple tasks that you once did automatically. Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to get a shower, dress yourself, brush your teeth, or comb your hair? I now have the energy levels for each task down to a fine science. I feel kin to the senior residents that shuffle down nursing home hallways- folks that I used to pity. Now I am one of them as I concentrate to keep my balance making a conscious effort not to stagger or limp when I walk. At times the energy it expands is simply too much. So I face each day wondering if my energy tank will be half full or half empty.