The Blank Computer Screen of Life

The Blank Computer Screen of Life
Dorcas Annette Walker

I don't know if I can make sense or articulate the frustration of the struggle involved living with short term memory loss. I now have to concentrate and work harder on things that I used to do subconsciously. It’s like having to relearn stuff that you learned and accomplished during the first years of your life. You suddenly feel as though you are back in your toddler years without any warning. I mean who goes around thinking about their balance as they stand or walk during the day? Now I find myself without warning, out of the blue, getting dizzy as I walk across a room or I have to concentrate so I don’t stagger as I walk. When I stand still I had to relearn keeping my balance while talking at the same time or gesturing with my hands- something that I always do when I talk- to keep from falling over. I admit it is rather a weird sensation and it makes a person’s mind quickly become fatigued with all the extra work that my brain cells now have to perform. Walking up or down steps is definitely more of a challenge. I think wistfully back to when I used to run up and down steps without a second thought.

One of my biggest losses is not being able to sit down and play the piano like I once did. Before I played mostly subconsciously by memory “or ear” running all over the keyboard. Now I have to relearn it all over again. I sit down to play a song, but forget what my hands are supposed to do next. The harder I try to think the more frustrated I get so I will stop and leave the piano hoping for another day of clarity when my fingers will once again more effortlessly over the keys. The more I keep going back and trying the more I slowly am gaining ground.

My mind often feels like a computer screen that suddenly goes blank as I talk; lose my train of thought right in the middle of a sentence, or find myself digressing to another area without warning. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until my husband kept stopping me telling me he was all confused trying to keep up with me as I kept jumping from subject to subject without finishing one thought. At other times my mind gets so foggy that I just can’t think straight, which is really depressing. Especially for someone who used to talk all the time nonstop now having to grope for words that you know are there, but you just can’t find them.

Some days if I don’t concentrate on just one thing to do I get overwhelmed. Instead of living by lists of items to do that always kept my life organized now I will feel all the things needing to do press in on me until I feel so fatigued mentally that my brain shuts down and I can’t think straight. Or sometimes right in the middle of doing a task, I get overwhelmed and can’t continue. I’ve learned to get a book, sit down in my recliner and read to help me relax. It is during these times that I feel detached from any emotion like I’m living in a limbo somewhere losing the identity of who I am. It is as if I don’t care whether I live or die. I have to fight not to give up and give in to living like a zombie even when days pass by where I lose touch with time until I have the strength to fight and bring myself back to life and reality again.

I deal with forgetfulness daily like trying to remember if I have brushed my teeth that morning etc. Sometimes I have to concentrate on how to do my exercises that I have done for years as I will forget right in the middle of doing them. It is more the here and now versus remembering past incidents or episodes of my life. I can remember that my sister called me on the weekend and what we talked about, but will suddenly forget the next step in doing something that I have done all my life.

Also a big frustration is the fact that I don't know from day to day how my system is going to react- if I'll have enough energy to get dressed or not. I can't take it easy one day to store up energy for the next. I've tried not doing anything Fri or Sat so I could make it to church Sunday only not to be able to get out of bed Sunday morning. There is no pattern to follow. So now whenever I have any energy at all I cram everything I can do into that day wishing that the day would never end.

Well enough about me- there is nothing like chronic illness to make one become self centered, huh? And here I am just rattling on and on. I have found out that working and concentrating on a computer helps the brain cells relearn patterns. It has been a big help to me. Even though it mentally exhausts me the more I do it the easier it becomes. So every inch I gain on my road back to normalcy is worth the effort. Like they say, “no gain without pain”.